Thank you for sharing some of your experiences with dystonia. I can relate to a lot of what you have said and it has taken a fair while to understand what has been going on for me and to accept “the death of the player I used to be”.
I have found that my 1.0 brain was entrenched in survival mode and was motivated to satisfy unsatisfied needs in an unhealthy way. I have found this survival mode programming has been a factor in the need to prove myself. In going through Greg’s course I have gotten to the point where I can now see my brain switching over to ‘me 2.0’ which is in a place of calm. When this doesn’t happen and 1.0 is clinging on it has been really beneficial to remind myself that the 1.0 programming served a purpose in a time I don’t remember and to thank it for serving that purpose (whatever it was) but that it doesn’t need to serve that purpose anymore, the threat has passed. An analogy would be: A lifeguard saving a small child from drowning, then saving that same person when they are an adult and a competent swimmer. The child needed ‘saving’ but the adult does not with the lifeguard being the 1.0 brain. So the 1.0 wiring (lifeguard) served a purpose of allowing the person to survive but is now getting in the way of allowing the person to thrive. By thanking my 1.0 brain (personified as the lifeguard) I can acknowledged that it exists and treat it with a loving kindness that brings my nervous system out of survival mode and allows my new 2.0 brain to do its thing. While I still have my moments, this approach has allowed me to move beyond ‘fighting’ myself and the need to prove myself or be perfect.
All of this goes on before even getting to the instrument or even any of the exercises that have anything to do with playing or Greg’s course. I believe finding this place of calm is crucial in simply building a healthy relationship with one’s self and allows one to find states of flow which I believe is one of the goals in performance psychology.
I appreciate that dystonia is being talked about more and more and to hear how others are healing and progressing with it. I look forward to hearing more from you and others!