What a great thread! Bill – thanks for being brave and vulnerable to share your struggles!
I do want to remind you, all of you really, that YOU are NOT your trumpet playing! If you play well, or play poorly, it is absolutely no reflection on YOU as a person.
You’ve had a lifetime of learning the traditional, less effective way of playing. This way was taught to you by well-meaning band directors and instructors just trying to see you achieve playing that one note, that one musical selection, and they likely don’t know how to play freely and efficiently either. They assume this is how everyone does it (because nearly everyone does play inefficiently).
Be patient – and be kind to yourself – and be willing to explore a new way.